amazing changes

I just refused an opportunity to work at the State Dept. Am I insane?

I don't think I am. But it's amazing to me the changes that have taken place in my life (I like to think maturing, 'growing up' changes) in the last two years. When I graduated from college, I know that I would have been so ecstatically happy to be offered a job at the State Dept that there is no way I could have conceivably imagined refusing such a position.

But I did, and it feels good. I have many reasons for it --- but all basically boiling down to the fact that I'm still an idealist at heart, and there are so many things that I want to do and be - before trying to fit myself into the huge, bureaucratic monster of something as soul-sucking as the State Dept. (yes that was over-dramatic but fun to write) :)

I think I need to know who I am very well before taking a position where I lose all personality, where I become a peon doing analysis and research for the big guys. As exciting as it would be for me to be closer to the 'action' of policy-making, I need to be strong enough (ethically especially) to make clear decisions about what I am okay with and when I am selling my soul. I want to discover more about life and myself before I commit myself to 'public service' in the name of making the American empire stronger. not that I think the State Dept is evil by any means, but there is so much to be learned from real people in real places (i.e. overseas in my case) , rather than informing myself primarily through my own political analysis of a place through my computer screen and flipping through reports and documents.

anyway, I am amazed at how much one can change in a relatively short time. and I'm happy that I have the fortitude (finally) not to be tempted by the salary or the big name. I hope that I can keep my idealism and go the Middle East and try to make a difference in this coming year. and become a more healthy and complete person in the process.

speaking of which, I'm excited to go back to the ME. more and more excited each day. I think I'm starting to believe in myself a little bit again, and also believe that if I apply myself and allow myself to care, I may be able to actually influence some change in this world. After I stopped teaching last year, sometimes I've thought that I'll never find that feeling again (I so envy Sheila sometimes for her love of teaching -- it is such an amazing career and I wish I wanted to be one) but I need to believe that I CAN find that feeling again -- that meaning. and life doesn't have to be boxed in to conventions or 'smart career choices' ; I think it should look more like an insane-I don't know where I'm going but I'll guess I'll find out! - kind of journey. And isn't that so much more exciting??