amazing changes

I just refused an opportunity to work at the State Dept. Am I insane?

I don't think I am. But it's amazing to me the changes that have taken place in my life (I like to think maturing, 'growing up' changes) in the last two years. When I graduated from college, I know that I would have been so ecstatically happy to be offered a job at the State Dept that there is no way I could have conceivably imagined refusing such a position.

But I did, and it feels good. I have many reasons for it --- but all basically boiling down to the fact that I'm still an idealist at heart, and there are so many things that I want to do and be - before trying to fit myself into the huge, bureaucratic monster of something as soul-sucking as the State Dept. (yes that was over-dramatic but fun to write) :)

I think I need to know who I am very well before taking a position where I lose all personality, where I become a peon doing analysis and research for the big guys. As exciting as it would be for me to be closer to the 'action' of policy-making, I need to be strong enough (ethically especially) to make clear decisions about what I am okay with and when I am selling my soul. I want to discover more about life and myself before I commit myself to 'public service' in the name of making the American empire stronger. not that I think the State Dept is evil by any means, but there is so much to be learned from real people in real places (i.e. overseas in my case) , rather than informing myself primarily through my own political analysis of a place through my computer screen and flipping through reports and documents.

anyway, I am amazed at how much one can change in a relatively short time. and I'm happy that I have the fortitude (finally) not to be tempted by the salary or the big name. I hope that I can keep my idealism and go the Middle East and try to make a difference in this coming year. and become a more healthy and complete person in the process.

speaking of which, I'm excited to go back to the ME. more and more excited each day. I think I'm starting to believe in myself a little bit again, and also believe that if I apply myself and allow myself to care, I may be able to actually influence some change in this world. After I stopped teaching last year, sometimes I've thought that I'll never find that feeling again (I so envy Sheila sometimes for her love of teaching -- it is such an amazing career and I wish I wanted to be one) but I need to believe that I CAN find that feeling again -- that meaning. and life doesn't have to be boxed in to conventions or 'smart career choices' ; I think it should look more like an insane-I don't know where I'm going but I'll guess I'll find out! - kind of journey. And isn't that so much more exciting??

fantasy adventures and california dreams

so lately all I can think about is escape. my inspiration is Prince Caspian, the daring Telmarine prince who gave Narnia back to the Narnians. it's his fault that I feel this way!! I never should have gone to see that movie......

something about fantasy literature/films makes me want to escape. I want adventure!! and I suppose to many people my life has already held quite a bit of 'excitement' - many new places, new people, new experiences. but I haven't fought enough real battles yet.

and now, to follow my mood, I want to go to grad school in California. because it seems to fit me better - and I think I need some wildness of ocean, trees, sky and open space to keep me sane in this world. especially as I yoke myself to a grad school program that will 'shape' me into some sort of leader. i'd like to keep some of my sanity along the way.

I need to breathe the salty sea air, and run so fast that I forget about everything else, and drive fast along mountain highways. california may not be perfect, but it would come close.

however, I do notice that my last post was about Ramallah, and this one is about California, and I don't like talking about the place where I currently live -- it's called Washington, DC, if you hadn't heard. the halls of power and all that. quite overrated really. and a strangely depressing place, despite the beautiful trees, parks, and the well-kept government buildings. it's definitely a depressingly realistic and ambitious place.

I think I should try to live a bit more presently, and enjoy DC while I can. it isn't so bad, I guess. at least the weather is warm and I'm living with Kimmy!

but, adventure calls. I just hope I get the chance to have one.

possibility of life in Ramallah

So I haven't posted in this blog in quite awhile - in fact I've only posted 4 times in the past year. Which is a bit sad, but I've decided blogging is a difficult task for me. I'm a talker. I have a hard time putting my daily thoughts and feelings into words, especially while staring at a computer screen. I hate that computer screens seem to rule my life much of the time.

Anyway, I have had an interesting time in Washington, DC in the past few months. Lots of ups and downs, many trying times and some spells of insanity. But, overall it has been very nice to be in the U.S. again and learn to fit back into my own culture. However, it's looking like it may not last long. I somehow managed to find myself some Arabs again ;) even in DC, and my boss may be sending me to the West Bank to work next year. As I contemplate the thought of moving to Ramallah to live and work, I am both nervous, slightly worried and excited.

I'm nervous and worried because I know it will be hard. Egypt was hard enough - the loneliness and rage you sometimes feel living in a frustrating culture is difficult to deal with. But in Cairo I had great friends around, and a strong network of people to support me when I went through my 'fits of rage' as I like to call them. But in Ramallah, I will be much more alone than I ever had to experience in Cairo.

Ramallah will hold its challenges and its rewards. It will be much less polluted (praise the lord), a bit cooler (maybe even a bit of snow in the winter!) , and I should get harassed far less than in Cairo. However, the tensions and sensitivity of being a foreigner and an American in the West Bank will be far more apparent than in Cairo, and the strong lack of tourists and a smaller number of expats will make living there more difficult. Not to mention the political situation of a people living under occupation - with all the flare-ups, occasional violence and uncertainty that goes with it.

That being said, living in the West Bank would be the experience of a lifetime - far more intense and a more real experience of living among an oppressed people. The lack of expats and a lesser amount of Western restaurants and hangouts will force me to engage with the culture more than in Egypt, and I know that I would learn - as one only can - from living within the Israeli-Palestinian conflict situation rather than just reading about it in the news and in books.

I just need to be prepared. And as I think about it, far in advance, I know I want to go. I just need to be ready.