Suffering

So some guilt is already creeping in as I'm living my 'fake suburban life' in Cairo (that's what I'm calling it).  I think one reason that I have the creeping guilt is that I have many friends who are doing (what I view as) great and amazing things that I wish I was also doing.  Maybe I want to do too many things, or maybe I am too insecure to be happy with my own life.  I don’t know – all I know is that some of my friends are doing freaking awesome things with their lives.  It’s a good thing for me to be friends with them; they often inspire me (unknowingly) to continue to work at having an unorthodox life.  It is possible!

 I have a friend living here in Cairo who is one such person.  After growing up in Egypt, he went to Gaza to volunteer for a few months and ended up staying for two years working for an organization there doing international development and community reconciliation projects.  Now, though physically back in Cairo, his mind is still constantly in Gaza with his friends and colleagues there.  When I have heard him speak about Gaza, he clearly demonstrates superior knowledge of the situation there, the feelings of the Palestinian people, the prospects for peace, etc.  But even more, I see that being in Gaza changed him – and in fact he will never return from Gaza.  The intensity and grief of spending time in a place engrossed in so much tragedy will forever touch his thoughts, beliefs and perceptions.

 My friends and I once joked that we wished we could be superheroes so we could help the world.  It would be great to swoop in with special powers and have the ability to take away the suffering of other people.  Of course, I want to be able to make a positive difference in the world and do something worthwhile with my life.  But I think that sometimes just living as a witness to suffering is another thing that we have to do as human beings.  If we live without accepting the deep suffering of others, maybe we have closed ourselves to part of the human experience. 

 I admire my friend not because he is a strong person, or independent, or hard-working, or exceptionally driven, but because he really went and lived among those who are suffering.  And not only did he live in Gaza, but he let Gaza touch him and change him.  In my opinion, that experience is a gift; the kind of gift that allows you to have true compassion.  Thich Nhat Hanh, the Buddhist monk and teacher, says that without knowing suffering you cannot have compassion.  He also says that to him, paradise will not be a place without suffering, because then there would be no compassion.  He says we have to know our own suffering and the suffering of others.  I think there is a lot of truth in that.  For most of us, accepting suffering is hard.  We want to heal it, fix it, repair it.  We don’t want to accept that some things will never be fixed or healed.  (On a side note: I think a lot of evangelical Christians in the U.S. should think a little bit about really embracing the suffering of the world, and allowing it to show them what compassion really is.  In general, I think American Christians do a poor job of this.)

So perhaps suffering needs to be accepted.  This probably goes for peoples’ hearts, but also for the broader political confrontations and conflicts in this world.  I don’t know – maybe the Palestinians and Israelis will never find peace and never get along.  Maybe one will always have to dominate the other.  Maybe all we can do is witness the suffering along the way.

All this to say, I don't think it's necessarily healthy to feel guilty.  I don't know if I should feel guilt for my life in Maadi, Cairo - but I do a little bit.  So, I have to think about that and how that translates into a lifestyle that can maybe make a difference, but at least let the suffering in the world change me.

Politics- Let's Think!

I wanted to post this - it was written by a friend of mine and I thought it was good. It also reflects my feelings quite well on this election. Please let me say: if you are a voter in the United States, take some time to think about these candidates, what they have done in the past, what they plan to do in the future, and who you really think would be a better leader for our country. Don't get caught up in cynicism. Vote on the facts, and on what policies these candidates are promising. Do some research, think. It's our duty!


I'm a little confused. Let me see if I have this straight.....
* If you grow up in Hawaii and are raised by your grandparents, you're
'exotic, different.'
* Grow up in Alaska eating mooseburgers, a quintessential American
story.
* If your name is Barack you're a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.
* Name your kids Willow, Trig and Track, you're a maverick.
* Graduate from Harvard law School and you are unstable.
* Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating, you're well
grounded.
* If you spend 3 years as a brilliant community organizer, become the
first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter
registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years
as a Constitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senator
representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of
the state Senate's Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years
in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people
while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs,
Environment and Public Works and Veteran's Affairs committees, you
don't have any real leadership experience.
* If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on the city
council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000
people, 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people,
then you're qualified to become the country's second highest ranking
executive.
* If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while
raising 2 beautiful daughters, all within Protestant churches, you're
not a real Christian.
* If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your
disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you're a
Christian.
* If you teach responsible, age appropriate sex education, including
the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.
* If, while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no
other option in sex education in your state's school system while your
unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant, you're very responsible.
* If your wife is a Harvard graduate lawyer who gave up a position in
a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city
community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family's values
don't represent America 's.
* If you're husband is nicknamed 'First Dude', with at least one DUI
conviction and no college education, who didn't register to vote until
age 25 and once was a member of a group that advocated the secession
of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable and you are know as putting country first.

OK, much clearer now.

why I 'love' Arabic

There are a few reasons why I love the Arabic language.  Most are completely sarcastic ones, and the word 'love' can really be replaced by 'frustrated by' or even 'hate' on the bad days.  But here are a few tidbits for your enjoyment.

1.  Arabic verbs have a sickly number of conjugations.  I have so far learned four tenses (command, present, past and future) and so far the total number of conjugations is 56.  That's 56 forms of each verb that I have to know.

2.  In Arabic you don't just say - that's my book, or that's his car.  You have to put a special ending on the noun (ex. book, car) to indicate that it is yours, mine, or his.  Oh, and Arabic also separates everything according to male or female.  So, there are 14 different suffixes that you can attach to any noun, in order to indicate a possessive.

3.  The Arabic alphabet has 28 letters, which can be written in different ways depending on where they fall in the word.  There are also vowel symbols that are written in to let you know how to pronounce the word and distinguish between one word and another with the same letters.

You know, I was going to write more but I think that's all I can handle for now.  I don't want to depress myself.

But I just wanted you to know.  So please don't ask me if I'm fluent yet.   Think of me with pity once and awhile, and if you decide to learn another language, I suggest Italian or Spanish.

My New Home

Hi all,

I've decided to post a few pictures of my new apartment - it's not much but it will be a nice relaxing home for the next few months. I especially love the brightly colored window in my bedroom! It shines in multi-colored light into my room in the morning. :)

Coming Home to Egypt

I'm back in Egypt.  Perhaps not surprisingly, it feels like I never left.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time - just a little bit - to revisit feelings of excitment and uncertainty that I used to associate with arriving in Cairo.  I guess it's a mark of time, maybe even maturity, to no longer feel the same way when I arrive in Egypt.  Now, it's getting more complicated.  It's like coming home - a mix of feelings that soon give way to the realization of 'life as I used to know it' colliding with 'I've changed but how do I newly fit into this place that I used to call home?'

I've always said that I have a love-hate relationship with Cairo.  That is still true, but also I think that it is evolving into the kind of feeling you have when you go back home - to a place where many stages of your life have taken place and you find yourself evolving within its context.  Life in Cairo for me has seen many new faces, new experiences, new goals, new jobs and new emotions.  Sometimes it's hard to sort out how I really feel about this place, because really it's just tied up with my feelings about life in general over the past three years.

All of that being said, it's good to be back.  I have some amazing friends here, who I look forward to spending much more time with.  I'm also excited about learning Arabic, working on Palestine project ideas, and continuing to immerse myself in this culture and deepen my understanding of what it means to be an Egyptian.  

There are some new things I need to adjust to this time around.  Living in Maadi, in a new apartment, is one.  Losing many of my American/foreigner friends is another.   And I need to adjust to being a student again - something that I haven't been in some time.  I'm hoping to adjust to being busy (something I wasn't in Egypt last time).  Being busy in Egypt isn't easy but I think it is preferable for me at this point, rather that succombing to mind-numbing boredom. :)

I plan to keep updating this blog as time goes on this year, to keep track of what happens with my plans, my thoughts, and my life in Egypt.  I'll be back soon.

leaving DC: lessons learned

so today is my last day of work - at least in this small office that I have spent WAY too much time in for the past few months. 7 months spent in Washington, DC. it sounds like a fairly long time, but it has gone by fast. which is okay by me, as I can't wait to go to Minnesota and then on to Egypt!

DC has been an interesting experience. I needed it - and have learned many things during this time. With regards to work, I've learned a lot about management, starting a non-profit, tact, communication and working independently. I've had to make the wise decision by not accepting a managerial job that I couldn't handle in Ramallah, and I've had the frustration of working alone and with very little support in a situation with decreasing motivation. I've had a boss who loves me but does the "hearing but not listening" thing, and a colleague who is a perfectionist and a control-freak. all in all, a great experience. and looking back, not only was I incredibly lucky to get a job so quickly after moving to DC, but also to have one with the flexibility and the opportunity to contribute that I've had. not the perfect experience, but with a lot of quality lessons learned.

on a personal note, I've also learned a lot. about myself: that I am a fool when it comes to guys, that I am emotionally unstable, and that I am more sensitive to hurts from people around me than I like to admit. yes yes, overly serious observations. on the other hand, I guess I'm affirmed in my ability to get through difficult situations, my affinity toward other people, and my confidence.

what I've learned about 'others' (in general): that I can't expect Americans to be like Egyptians, that people all have their own concerns and problems, that no one is good at everything, that I will probably never have the perfect manager, that I cannot expect to be friends with everyone, and that there are just some situations that are best left alone. now: we'll see if I have any idea what these vague inclinations mean when I read this post a year from now. :)

in moving on from DC, I feel thankful that I had this time here. as cheesy as that sounds, I know that I needed this time to re-adjust myself to many things. not hating America was a good one (and realizing that as much as I and many of my friends like to think we are losing our 'Americanness' we still very much ARE.) drinking beer again, shopping, running and spending too much money were also new adjustments (maybe not always well-adjusted), and I needed some time to level out in many ways.

speaking of moving on - I'm excited! looking forward to a month in Minnesota, talking with my brothers, seeing family and swimming in the Walsh's pool, hanging out with friends. and beyond that, back to Egypt on Sept 3. back to a life of insanity and life-stressors, but hopefully with a better perspective and situation this time. and nerdy Arabic study! and once again, throwing myself out there with a desire to do something interesting and 'good' with my life. whatever a 'good life' will be for me.

as Toni and I were saying one day recently: "If I can't be a superhero, what can I be?"

and on we go! :)

what I'm not tired of

This blog is inspired by Antonia, my new roomie here in DC, who recently wrote about what is currently tiring her.

Well, I was thinking of what I'm not tired of.

I'm not tired of talking.
I'm not tired of libraries.
I'm not tired of seeing green grass and trees.
I'm not tired of breathing fresh air.
I'm not tired of seeing clear blue sky.
I'm not tired of summer.
I'm not tired of rain.
I'm not tired of eating pizza with real tomato sauce on it.
I'm not tired of living with Kim and Toni.
I'm not tired of drinking good coffee most days.
I'm not tired of speaking my own language.
I'm not tired of being able to call my family whenever I want.
I'm not tired of wearing tank tops and shorts.
I'm not tired of being invisible in this city.

All this made me realize that I have a lot to be thankful for. I should probably try to enjoy life this side of the development divide while I can. There are perks. Though there are many things that I am tired of right now, I need to remember the daily things that I'm not tired of.

casting our fates to the wind

I really like this quote:

"my whole life has changed as a result of casting my fate to the wind."

(it's from a documentary called 10 MPH which is about some guys who rode a Segway all the way across America.)

maybe I should stop trying so hard to determine my own fate, and let my life be governed by unpredictability and instability. i love stories of people like these guys who left everything behind and did exactly what they wanted to do. some inspiration for me.

so, a few things I'm learning about myself that I wanted to record at this particular point in time:

1. I hate being ordered to do things, even when there is a perfectly good reason for it. Being told to do something, rather than asked, makes me very very angry inside.

2. Evidently one of my strongest traits is dependability (based on an astrology book, so not a truly reliable source, but I guess it kind of makes sense).

3. I truly love hot, humid weather more than the average person. It's not posturing.

4. I really like good coffee. Not a shock for most people, but I never knew that about myself before.

5. I am capable of being an entrepreneur.

6. There is a strong chance that I am not, in fact, over my childhood issues as much as I thought I was.

7. I'm no longer confident of what my dreams are.

8. At the moment, I have no emotional release mechanism. Kim has hers - nature. Nature isn't a strong enough one for me. I think I need music again, it's one of the only things that works for me. I often feel emotionally drained after playing, which is probably a sign that I'm letting my defenses down just for a bit.

9. For the first time, I am hostile to the idea of definite belief or faith. Not just uncomprehending, but hostile.

amazing changes

I just refused an opportunity to work at the State Dept. Am I insane?

I don't think I am. But it's amazing to me the changes that have taken place in my life (I like to think maturing, 'growing up' changes) in the last two years. When I graduated from college, I know that I would have been so ecstatically happy to be offered a job at the State Dept that there is no way I could have conceivably imagined refusing such a position.

But I did, and it feels good. I have many reasons for it --- but all basically boiling down to the fact that I'm still an idealist at heart, and there are so many things that I want to do and be - before trying to fit myself into the huge, bureaucratic monster of something as soul-sucking as the State Dept. (yes that was over-dramatic but fun to write) :)

I think I need to know who I am very well before taking a position where I lose all personality, where I become a peon doing analysis and research for the big guys. As exciting as it would be for me to be closer to the 'action' of policy-making, I need to be strong enough (ethically especially) to make clear decisions about what I am okay with and when I am selling my soul. I want to discover more about life and myself before I commit myself to 'public service' in the name of making the American empire stronger. not that I think the State Dept is evil by any means, but there is so much to be learned from real people in real places (i.e. overseas in my case) , rather than informing myself primarily through my own political analysis of a place through my computer screen and flipping through reports and documents.

anyway, I am amazed at how much one can change in a relatively short time. and I'm happy that I have the fortitude (finally) not to be tempted by the salary or the big name. I hope that I can keep my idealism and go the Middle East and try to make a difference in this coming year. and become a more healthy and complete person in the process.

speaking of which, I'm excited to go back to the ME. more and more excited each day. I think I'm starting to believe in myself a little bit again, and also believe that if I apply myself and allow myself to care, I may be able to actually influence some change in this world. After I stopped teaching last year, sometimes I've thought that I'll never find that feeling again (I so envy Sheila sometimes for her love of teaching -- it is such an amazing career and I wish I wanted to be one) but I need to believe that I CAN find that feeling again -- that meaning. and life doesn't have to be boxed in to conventions or 'smart career choices' ; I think it should look more like an insane-I don't know where I'm going but I'll guess I'll find out! - kind of journey. And isn't that so much more exciting??

fantasy adventures and california dreams

so lately all I can think about is escape. my inspiration is Prince Caspian, the daring Telmarine prince who gave Narnia back to the Narnians. it's his fault that I feel this way!! I never should have gone to see that movie......

something about fantasy literature/films makes me want to escape. I want adventure!! and I suppose to many people my life has already held quite a bit of 'excitement' - many new places, new people, new experiences. but I haven't fought enough real battles yet.

and now, to follow my mood, I want to go to grad school in California. because it seems to fit me better - and I think I need some wildness of ocean, trees, sky and open space to keep me sane in this world. especially as I yoke myself to a grad school program that will 'shape' me into some sort of leader. i'd like to keep some of my sanity along the way.

I need to breathe the salty sea air, and run so fast that I forget about everything else, and drive fast along mountain highways. california may not be perfect, but it would come close.

however, I do notice that my last post was about Ramallah, and this one is about California, and I don't like talking about the place where I currently live -- it's called Washington, DC, if you hadn't heard. the halls of power and all that. quite overrated really. and a strangely depressing place, despite the beautiful trees, parks, and the well-kept government buildings. it's definitely a depressingly realistic and ambitious place.

I think I should try to live a bit more presently, and enjoy DC while I can. it isn't so bad, I guess. at least the weather is warm and I'm living with Kimmy!

but, adventure calls. I just hope I get the chance to have one.

possibility of life in Ramallah

So I haven't posted in this blog in quite awhile - in fact I've only posted 4 times in the past year. Which is a bit sad, but I've decided blogging is a difficult task for me. I'm a talker. I have a hard time putting my daily thoughts and feelings into words, especially while staring at a computer screen. I hate that computer screens seem to rule my life much of the time.

Anyway, I have had an interesting time in Washington, DC in the past few months. Lots of ups and downs, many trying times and some spells of insanity. But, overall it has been very nice to be in the U.S. again and learn to fit back into my own culture. However, it's looking like it may not last long. I somehow managed to find myself some Arabs again ;) even in DC, and my boss may be sending me to the West Bank to work next year. As I contemplate the thought of moving to Ramallah to live and work, I am both nervous, slightly worried and excited.

I'm nervous and worried because I know it will be hard. Egypt was hard enough - the loneliness and rage you sometimes feel living in a frustrating culture is difficult to deal with. But in Cairo I had great friends around, and a strong network of people to support me when I went through my 'fits of rage' as I like to call them. But in Ramallah, I will be much more alone than I ever had to experience in Cairo.

Ramallah will hold its challenges and its rewards. It will be much less polluted (praise the lord), a bit cooler (maybe even a bit of snow in the winter!) , and I should get harassed far less than in Cairo. However, the tensions and sensitivity of being a foreigner and an American in the West Bank will be far more apparent than in Cairo, and the strong lack of tourists and a smaller number of expats will make living there more difficult. Not to mention the political situation of a people living under occupation - with all the flare-ups, occasional violence and uncertainty that goes with it.

That being said, living in the West Bank would be the experience of a lifetime - far more intense and a more real experience of living among an oppressed people. The lack of expats and a lesser amount of Western restaurants and hangouts will force me to engage with the culture more than in Egypt, and I know that I would learn - as one only can - from living within the Israeli-Palestinian conflict situation rather than just reading about it in the news and in books.

I just need to be prepared. And as I think about it, far in advance, I know I want to go. I just need to be ready.