So some guilt is already creeping in as I'm living my 'fake suburban life' in Cairo (that's what I'm calling it). I think one reason that I have the creeping guilt is that I have many friends who are doing (what I view as) great and amazing things that I wish I was also doing. Maybe I want to do too many things, or maybe I am too insecure to be happy with my own life. I don’t know – all I know is that some of my friends are doing freaking awesome things with their lives. It’s a good thing for me to be friends with them; they often inspire me (unknowingly) to continue to work at having an unorthodox life. It is possible!
I have a friend living here in Cairo who is one such person. After growing up in Egypt, he went to Gaza to volunteer for a few months and ended up staying for two years working for an organization there doing international development and community reconciliation projects. Now, though physically back in Cairo, his mind is still constantly in Gaza with his friends and colleagues there. When I have heard him speak about Gaza, he clearly demonstrates superior knowledge of the situation there, the feelings of the Palestinian people, the prospects for peace, etc. But even more, I see that being in Gaza changed him – and in fact he will never return from Gaza. The intensity and grief of spending time in a place engrossed in so much tragedy will forever touch his thoughts, beliefs and perceptions.
My friends and I once joked that we wished we could be superheroes so we could help the world. It would be great to swoop in with special powers and have the ability to take away the suffering of other people. Of course, I want to be able to make a positive difference in the world and do something worthwhile with my life. But I think that sometimes just living as a witness to suffering is another thing that we have to do as human beings. If we live without accepting the deep suffering of others, maybe we have closed ourselves to part of the human experience.
I admire my friend not because he is a strong person, or independent, or hard-working, or exceptionally driven, but because he really went and lived among those who are suffering. And not only did he live in Gaza, but he let Gaza touch him and change him. In my opinion, that experience is a gift; the kind of gift that allows you to have true compassion. Thich Nhat Hanh, the Buddhist monk and teacher, says that without knowing suffering you cannot have compassion. He also says that to him, paradise will not be a place without suffering, because then there would be no compassion. He says we have to know our own suffering and the suffering of others. I think there is a lot of truth in that. For most of us, accepting suffering is hard. We want to heal it, fix it, repair it. We don’t want to accept that some things will never be fixed or healed. (On a side note: I think a lot of evangelical Christians in the U.S. should think a little bit about really embracing the suffering of the world, and allowing it to show them what compassion really is. In general, I think American Christians do a poor job of this.)
So perhaps suffering needs to be accepted. This probably goes for peoples’ hearts, but also for the broader political confrontations and conflicts in this world. I don’t know – maybe the Palestinians and Israelis will never find peace and never get along. Maybe one will always have to dominate the other. Maybe all we can do is witness the suffering along the way.
All this to say, I don't think it's necessarily healthy to feel guilty. I don't know if I should feel guilt for my life in Maadi, Cairo - but I do a little bit. So, I have to think about that and how that translates into a lifestyle that can maybe make a difference, but at least let the suffering in the world change me.
